i dont want to exist, though sometimes i feel like i dont. im falling down. ive completly lost what i had of me. its gone into a hole. a deep black hole. everything that i know, what i had, what i knew, and what i will have will plummet alongside everything else. i dont think theres a way out of this one. future you will forget you. she will deny what youre going through. you wont ever be ok. ever it seems.

10/21/22

i dont mean to sound...self-centered? but i feel like theres too much to me. no one, not even my family knows me. my mom suggests therapy for the things i do tell her, but theres just no way i could possibly explain myself or my thoughts without leaving something out or missing something. not just my thoughts but i couldnt tell a therapist one important detail about my life. well why dont you shower? why do you hurt yourself? why do you starve yourself? why cant you concentrate? it all leads to one thing, really. its like a maze. it all leads to the same place no matter where you go.

10/23/22

i wish i wasnt always trying to be someone else. or more letting how i think other peole are feeling affect me. tyler(my brother) has a new girlfriend. shes really sweet. but this happened last time. i was so focused on her and her body and looks and mannerisms because i needed to be like her. i dont even know why i do it, really. maybe its some deep seeded hatred i have for myself that is so fucking deep my mind cant even let me know its there. i feel like i cant get to know new people because ill always try to mirror them. its times like these that life just doesnt seem worth living. whats a life of not allowing yourself to get to know new people because your too scared or i think that they want nothing to do with me? theres these girls i know. theyre really kind to me. but my brain wont let me believe they like me. or im scared of being percieved. i know its a natural thing to do, every human does it. what ever you, the person reading thinks of me is perceiving me to be someone i may or may not actually be. the difference is, i have to actually be in front of these people. having to stand in front of someone is liking standing naked in front of them. it makes me want to tear my skin off until theres nothing left to me.

theres nothing more that i could ask for than to be dead and gone right now. i feel so alone and so dumb and stupid with these thoughts. wishing dead for myself isnt even enough to tell you how i feel right now.

10/24/22

shes just like me. every ride we got off she would hurry to look on her camera to make sure that her bangs werent split in half. we laughed about it later after i pointed out how much i hate my own bangs. i think i was meant to be alone. my mind, body, and spirit wasnt meant for a connection to someone else. the only true connection i have is to myself. to the people in my daydreams and the romantization of the real people around me. i think im afraid to get to know people because they wont be what i want them to be and i fear they do the same for me. i scare myself into believing i wont live up to people expectations of me. i think i could love someone like her. shes so outgoing and independent. she wears what she wants and doesnt seem to be insecure with herself(which may be just an assumption but still.). everything im not. it honestly felt like i wasnt on earth when i was with her. she was like an alien that i just wanted to appreciate. anyway, enough of her. i feel a lot of guilt for past beliefs. this site used to be one of those truecrime sites where i tried to talk like killers and be cool and edgey. i ruined a friendship, or what couldve been a great, meaningful friendship because of it. its so embarrasing to think about. especially because of that dahmer series. a lot of accounts on tiktok have gotten flamed(rightfully so) because they defend dahmer and others like him. but i feel awful because i used to be like them. do i even have the right to be upset or disgusted with those people? my old accounts got taken down, but you can still find the videos because people duetted them. i think i could get past that eventually, but the things ive said about other people. i just cant get over the guilt over it. changing the subject once more, i get so irritated with my mom. i cant tell if its because im a teenager or the fact i believe she knows what my brother did to me. just her looking at me could send me into a rage. i feel guilty sometimes because sometimes my mind makes fun of her. i dont mean for it to do that but it still happens regardless of what i do. i guess i cant help but be upset she gave me this body to deal with. i dont want to look like her. but everyone says we do and it makes me upset. i dont want her body or face or lips or hair i hate it all. maybe i hate her so much because i see myself in her. im just rambling on now.

10/26/22

i sometimes find myself not wanting to get to know people or have a relationship with them because im terrified of them dying or leaving or not wanting me anymore. i get so scared my mom will die. its so confusing because i sometimes cant stand her and sometimes shes the best thing ever. im in so much pain right now. the days are going by so slow and its getting to that point hwere im scared to sleep. i dread having to try to fall asleep because i get scared i wont be able to and i absoulutly hate that feeling more than anything. i can tell my mom is upset i havent got my school finished. i dont blame her i just cant stand doing math with her. it always turns into an argument. i usually just lie and say i understand, which i know isnt helping me, but i hate arguing. i dont wanna be on this earth anymore. i just dont see a point anymore. its like theres mold growing on my brain.